when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
