Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
