I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
