i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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