I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
