here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
