also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
