I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
