If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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