remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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