Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
