Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
