true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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