you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
