I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
