I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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