Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
