Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
zippers are such a cool invention
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
