somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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