Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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