Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
