i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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