Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am one with the molecules
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
