38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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