Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
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You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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