I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
