my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
