I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
