Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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