was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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