I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
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The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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