OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize