So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
