Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
