the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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