Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
