I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
