I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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