Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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