Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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