I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
