if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
