I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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