I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
