from now on my penis is your penis
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
