Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
