4 words: hood of his car
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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