I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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