If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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