There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
