Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
