Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
