i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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