I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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