We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
