the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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