M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Mom said you looked used
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
