apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
