it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
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Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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